One Phrase to Avoid Using if You Want to Raise Confident Kids

If you want to raise confident kids, stop saying this popular parenting phrase:

“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

I will never forget the first time I heard this phrase. I was in grad school, doing my student teaching.  I sat on the floor in my corduroys and converse, surrounded by a circle of three year olds.  

The kids cheered and squealed as the music teacher showed the kids all of her treasures. She started to pass them out and the kids started shouting, “I want the blue shaker egg!” “I want the pink maraca!”. ⁣

She settled the children down by loudly stating, “Children. You get what you get and you don’t get upset”.  I watched as she praised a child who looked crestfallen, but didn’t open his mouth to express how he felt about his instrument. ⁣⁣

I felt a pit tighten in the ball of my stomach. This felt wrong.  I was a student-teacher not in a position to do anything other than wipe noses and observe.  I stayed quiet, but the feeling never went away.  I vowed never to teach that phrase in my own classroom. ⁣

How to Raise Confident Kids that Trust Their Instincts 

Look at this from a child’s perspective.  Using language similar to this phrase sends children the message that they shouldn’t ask for what they want.  It’s telling them to stuff their feelings and accept things as they come.

Give them the opportunity to say,  “I am upset.  I really wanted the blue balloon and I got the red shaky egg instead”.

Stopping your child from expressing their emotions sends the message that their feelings are wrong and that you as their parent cannot handle their feelings.  It also teaches them that they are supposed to hide how they really feel. 

Your child is allowed to be sad, mad, angry, and disappointed.  It’s okay for them to get upset. 

Your child needs the opportunity to practice coping with not getting what they want in a supportive environment. ⁣ 

Now imagine your preschool-age child as a teen or tween.  Do you want them to hide their feelings when they are upset or when something is bothering them?  Or do you want them to be able to speak up for themselves and trust their emotions? 

“I have a bad feeling about the way this guy is treating me. I am uncomfortable…”

You want to raise confident kids that are able to trust these inner feelings and instincts, not have the belief that they can’t get upset and think that they are overreacting.  

How Allowing Meltdowns Can Raise Confident Kids

Allowing your child to fall apart and accepting their emotions when they don’t get what they want, does not mean that you have to give in to what they are wanting just because they are disappointed. Acknowledging what happened is enough.

This may sound like:

“You wanted the blue egg and you got the yellow one.  I saw what happened.”

“You got the yellow egg when you wanted the blue one.  Now you are grabbing the yellow one.  I won’t let you grab.”

Take a moment to calm your child.  After your child is calm, try getting them curious about what they are feeling!

“You got the yellow and wanted the blue.  You tried to grab, but I wouldn’t let you.  What could you have done instead?  Any other ideas?”

Young kids will have great ideas (as long as they are regulated and calm) about what they could do differently and they will love realizing that they have autonomy in the process! 

Use “No” as an Opportunity to Build Confidence

Hearing the word no is an opportunity for your child to learn coping skills and build confidence.  Take these opportunities to teach your little one that they can be okay even when they don’t get what they want. 

But how do you teach them that they can be okay without falling apart any time they are disappointed?

Practice.  Try acting out not getting what you want and then ask your child what they think you should do.  Kids want to be respected and part of the process.  Teaching them these skills will help them realize that they can make choices and problem solve when things don’t go their way. 

Check out this blog for some ideas of scenarios you can practice with your child.

If you have used the phrase “You get what you get and you don’t get upset” in the past, don't beat yourself up.  This phrase comes from a place of good intention.   

You can support your child’s big feelings without canceling them. 

I hope you enjoyed this blog! If you want to keep up with more Workspace for Children content, follow along on Instagram by clicking HERE.

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“The wider the range of possibilities we offer children, the more intense will be their motivations and the richer their experiences. We must widen the range of topics and goals, the types of situations we offer and their degree of structure, the kinds and combinations of resources and materials, and the possible interactions with things, peers, and adults.”

— Loris Malaguzzi

People often ask me about the WHY behind the play.  Why is it important? What are they really getting out of these activities? Would their time be better spent at lessons or being taught to read and spell? Simply put, no. Their time is SO valuable.  And it is my mission to make sure its protected.  It is really important to me that my kids have the time to spend being bored, being dreamy, and playing.  In an effort to explain why, I am going to take you through a recent experience with my girls.

On this particular morning, I had  set up some loose parts and kinetic sand on our light table.   When the girls noticed the prompt, they began to work. As I went about my own work, I watched and listened. 

My 4year old set to work doing 4 year old things.  She scooped the sand and let it slip through her fingers.  She squeezed kinetic sand and then filled and dumped from a small container making smooth little mounds.  When she was satisfied, she added wire and wood chips to her little structure. 

My 7 year old, on the other hand, set to work doing important 7 year old things.  Same materials, different developmental stage.  The seven year old smoothed out a block of sand and then used the loose parts to write the word “LOVE” in the sand.  She shaped her letters out of rocks, sticks, negative space, and wood beads that she retrieved from our art cabinet. She rearranged the letters and spoke out loud about her spelling.  Making sure "LOVE" was spelled correctly was really important to her.

As the girls worked side by side, something important happened.  Something more important than letter writing, fine motor work or sensory exploration.  What happened? The girls ARGUED.  Sloane, at just four years old, is at an impatient moment in time.  She wants what she wants NOW.  Ruby, at seven, can be equally impatient, but in a different way.  She doesn’t want her work touched by sticky little fingers and she especially does not want to give up what she is using in an unreasonable time frame.  At seven, she is much more reasonable than at four.  She doesn't remember what it feels like to be four and so, she does not want to give in to four-year-old demands.  As you can imagine, this can lead to conflict.  With conflict comes learning, and that is the most important thing to me. 

The argument went down like this.  Ruby picks up the small silver cup that Sloane was using a few moments earlier.  Sloane screams and yells at Ruby that it’s HER cup.  Ruby calmly replies that she is using it and will give her sister a turn when she is finished.  Not good enough.  Sloane throws herself to the floor sobbing about the cup.  Ruby tries to talk her off the ledge, but unless Sloane has the cup in her hand, it's not good enough. Clearly, Ruby is not giving up the cup. This goes on for three or four minutes.  The tired mom in me fights the urge to get an indenticle cup from the cupboard and make Ruby trade.  But, the teacher in me forces myself to give them space to figure it out.  Eventually, Ruby is finished with the cup.  She tells Sloane, but Sloane is too far gone.  Sloane is committed to her outburst.  She carries on crying, and Ruby carries on working at the table.  And then suddenly, Sloane stands up, wipes her tears and announces, "I’m done crying now.  Ruby, you can keep the cup.  I'll use this stick to poke holes instead."  No one intervened, no one gave in to her demands, she had simply worked through it in her own time.  She was ready.  She had taught herself to cope.  

Children need to have the opportunity to argue and test emotional ideas.  Often, we solve these issues FOR children.  We “teach” them rules and phrases for sharing.  We inject adult notions of “fairness” into these innocent earlychildhood experiences. But don’t we KNOW that children learn best by doing?  I know that.  I’m sure of it.  With that being the case, I know they need the opportunity to try crying as a tool, to try talking, to try grabbing, and to eventually find the right tool.  I want them to learn how a peer might respond if they grab or cry.  I want them to learn how to communicate by communicating.  I want them to learn to negotiate materials, space and ideas.  This is why play is so important for all children.