I keep seeing “inspirational” social media content about what kids “should” be able to do by the time they turn a certain age or enter school. While these posts are well-meaning, I can’t help but think about the parents on the receiving end. It must feel kinda’ shitty if your kindergartener is still learning to button their pants independently and this guy on Tik Tok tells you they need to know how before starting school. They can wear elastic pants until they learn, NBD. To help you feel empowered and not feel like shit, I would like to remind you to meet your child where they are right now. Throw out the ages, and go by your child’s unique developmental stage. What can they do? Start there and build.

6 ideas to start building your child’s sense of self and grow their independence:

order for themselves in a restaurant (pointing to what they’d like on the menu counts)
drop something off at a neighbor’s house
buy something in the grocery store independently
learn to cook something simple of their choice
practice making a phone call
spend time caring for a younger sibling/ cousin/ friend

( I had a 7 or 8-year-old child in mind when creating this, but go by your child’s developmental stage, not age. Meet them where they are and grow from there. )

6 ideas to start building your toddler’s sense of self and grow their independence:

Put them in charge of turning off and on the lights when you enter and leave a room- put a sturdy step stool near the light switches
Have them pull out fresh diapers and wipes when a change is needed and throw away their diaper after changes
Try to open snacks independently before an adult jumps in and does it for them. When an adult helps, they get it started and let the toddler finish the job
Give them a real job when you are cooking (chopping, peeling, mixing). This is a great toddler chopping knife.
Go outside when you have 20 minutes and let them lead the way.
Let them choose their outfit for the day, even if it's mismatched. Lay out weather-appropriate options the night before and let them make the final decision in the morning.

4 honest thoughts about back to school from a mom of three (5th, 9th, and 12th grades):

How many forms will I screw up/ forget this season even though I will try my damndest to keep it all straight?
My girls know how to speak up for themselves, including when it comes to authority. Will their new teachers have a hard time with that? They're not usually the teacher’s pet if you know what I mean…
My husband and I split most of the mental load when it comes to back-to-school season. While I love this, sometimes I wonder if it causes more stress than it’s worth. Will I ever be able to completely let go or will the urge to micromanage always stick with me?
I fucking hate homework (we can curse on Substack, right?) and I dread it coming back into my house this fall.

From teaching toddlers basic skills to navigating the teen years, each stage brings its own intensities. It’s not about hitting arbitrary milestones or meeting others' expectations but fostering independence and resilience in ways that make sense for your unique child. So whether you're dealing with grocery store tantrums, homework, or the delicate balance of letting go, remember that progress isn't always linear or Instagram-worthy. It's messy and it's different for every family. Trust your instincts, meet your kids where they are, and know that sometimes shit is just hard.