How You Praise Your Child Matters...But Not That Much
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"Don't say 'good job'," they say. "SAY 'GOOD JOB'!!!"
"Don't tell them they are beautiful!" No, wait. "Do be sure to compliment them on their looks!"
"Don't compliment their scribbles or it will ruin them forever..."
Oh, the internet... A source of information and misinformation. Recently, the Surgeon General issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents.
I am a mom of three (17, 14, 11) and have been a creator in the parenting space for the past ten years. I cannot imagine parenting small children in today's internet climate. It would have broken me to have so much information and misinformation at my fingertips while I was deep in the throes of postpartum anxiety. When I was a young mom, I read a ton of parenting books, but those took time to go through. It wasn't the fast-paced "do this, not that" (and then it swings the other way) world that today's parents are living in.
So, before I give you some "Do This, Not That" information, I want you to remember this: You are the best person to imperfectly parent your child. No one expects you to do it perfectly, and you shouldn't even try to. Use this information to support yourself. If it makes you doubt your parenting abilities, shut it down—you don't need it right now.
Truth? No one, including me, can tell you exactly how to parent your child. I can't parent my own children without making tons of mistakes, doubting myself, and combing the internet for reassurance, and it’s okay if you are the same way.
Effective Praise: Building Self-Confidence and Connection
Let's discuss how to use praise effectively to build your child's self-confidence and show your unconditional love and acceptance.
DON'T WORRY Spontaneously praising your child is great. An authentic positive connection wins every time. Don't overthink it!
GET SPECIFIC: When you can, try praising their hard work, risk-taking, problem-solving, or specific character traits that help them value who they are on the inside.
HERE'S WHY: This specific praise supports your child's self-worth and encourages a growth mindset. It gives them the courage to make mistakes and keep trying instead of avoiding new challenges.
EXAMPLES:
Less Specific: "That's beautiful!"
More Specific: "I noticed you made some really tiny marks. How did you get your paintbrush to do that?"
Less Specific: "You are such a good builder!"
More Specific: "I saw that your tower fell a few times before you got it to stay up. Tell me how you figured that out."
Less Specific: "Wow, Champ! A home run!"
More Specific: "You've been working so hard and now you've hit a home run! Tell me how that feels."
Less Specific: "I like how everyone is sitting nicely and listening."
More Specific: "Everyone figured out a way to sit in a way that feels comfortable to their body. It is quiet in here now, and I'm glad everyone will be able to hear me speak."
Less Specific: "You are a good brother! Mommy loves you."
More Specific: "Your funny faces helped the baby calm down while I was driving the car. That made it easier for me. Thanks for doing that."
Implementing Praise in Daily Life
When you're in the thick of parenting, it's nearly impossible to recall the parenting script that sounded so good when you were scrolling at 11 pm. I encourage you to take a few moments to grab a piece of paper and adapt it to meet your child's needs. Write them on a Post-it note and stick them in your kitchen cabinet. You DO NOT need to use these all the time, but it might just make you feel more confident to have them easily accessible when you need them.
Additional Praise Examples
You know a lot about...
Tell me more about your ideas about...
You figured out why Sam was crying and you helped him feel better. How'd you think of what to do?
You didn't want to leave the park, and you told me that with your words instead of running away. You are growing up. Things are getting easier.
Praising Mistakes:
Praise your child’s mistakes to encourage a growth mindset and build the courage to take risks!
You tried that even though you weren't sure what would happen. Not all children are so brave as that.
You spilled the milk when you tried to pour from the heavy gallon and then you mopped it up! It's so cool to see you trying things all by yourself.
It was too hard to zip your coat today, so I helped you. I saw how hard you tried and tried. It takes a while for zipping fingers to get strong.
Quick Takeaways, in case you're skimming because... you're a parent.
Be authentic and spontaneous
Focus on effort and process, not just outcomes
Encourage a growth mindset and problem-solving
Praise character traits and specific actions
Observe, and describe the specific action or effort, and connect it to a positive trait or skill. Not sure what to do in the moment? Take a deep breath and simply express your love and appreciation for your child. Authentic connection is the most important thing.
Remember This:
You are the best person to parent your child.
No one expects you to parent perfectly, and you shouldn't even try.
Just love your child. You got this. x
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If you want to create a home that is filled with play and creativity, the key is to let your child know how much you value the time and effort they spent playing.