Forced Family Fun Day: Why I Insist on Together Time Even When My Teens Don't Want
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When my kids were small we spent hours and hours playing in the woods, on the beach, and in our playroom. Those cute little kids have now grown into lanky teenagers with their own friends, agendas, and disdain for anything that involves “family time.”
It’s normal and appropriate for them to want distance from their parents and siblings, and it’s also important for me, as their mom, to insist on an abbreviated family hang-out on the rare weekend that we are not traveling all over the state for XC meets. After years of navigating weekends where everybody wanted a piece of me, never having enough time alone, I suddenly find myself forcing the kids to hang out as a family.
Here’s how our most recent Forced Family Fun Day went down…
We were eating take-out burgers around the kitchen island, post work, school, and practice, pre-college essay tutor, and homework when I mentioned the following weekend’s forced family fun day. (If you aren’t familiar with the concept of Forced Family Fun Day, you probably don’t have teens yet, and you should look it up before your kids hit the age of 12.) It was Wednesday, and the hangout would take place on Saturday afternoon. Amidst the eye rolls and ‘Okay fines,’ I told them we could either go to the beach, an apple orchard, or into the city for the afternoon. They grunted that they heard me and would let me know.
Our eleven-year-old was the only child excited for any of the three options. She misses the days when the big kids still loved a family adventure. I do too.
Saturday came, and the big kids clamored in from an early morning workout with the team. They were tired and sweaty and wanted to be left alone to do their own thing.
"We're leaving at 1:30," I called as they ambled up the stairs. "Beach, city, or apples?"
My fourteen-year-old collapsed onto her bed and fell back to sleep in minutes. My seventeen-year-old put his feet up on his desk and entered into a lengthy text session with his girlfriend, who is newly away at college. My eleven-year-old was incessantly begging to take the ferry to Boston, while my husband explained for the eight hundredth time that the ferry was cost-prohibitive and if everyone wanted the city, we'd drive in.
As one pm approached I was getting cranky and annoyed at my teens for not getting ready or entering the discussion about where to go.
I didn’t want to go to the city. It was hot out.
My husband didn’t want to go to the beach. Too chilly for him.
My eleven-year-old was pouting about the ferry and still trying to convince us it was worth it.
The teens were still in their rooms…
Then, I had a little tantrum.
I rapped on the door of my 9th grader's room and pushed it open to reveal my child deep in sleep, still in sweaty running clothes. Food remnants, damp towels, and makeup were spread across the floor of her room. "GET UP! It's so rude that you can't even get yourself up and ready when I told you we were leaving at 1:30! I barely ever ask anything of you."
She opened one eye and groaned.
“You know what? Forget it. Don’t come.”
"Jeez, Mom, my alarm was literally about to go off so I could get in the shower and be ready by 1:30. Do you seriously not want me to come now?"
Her alarm went off like a siren in the middle of our fight. It startled me and I almost laughed, but instead, I remained committed to being pissed off.
“Do whatever you want,” I huffed.
Then I made a quick pivot, deciding that we’d opt for mandatory lunch locally, and then whoever wanted to join my husband and me to poke in and out of the shops in our local downtown could do so (or not). Everyone easily agreed on a lunch spot and we headed out the door.
I would love to continue this story by saying lunch was lovely and we all strolled around town enjoying ice cream cones and the end-of-summer weather in our historic downtown, but… that would be a lie.
Instead, lunch was filled with off-and-on bickering, a few solid laughs, and an open invitation to join us in town. The big kids clearly wanted to opt out after lunch, but neither one wanted to say it first, so they joined us for an afternoon of shopping. We weaved between going to stores together and apart, laughing, snarking, and being together. And you know what? It was the exact Forced Family Fun Day we needed.
Excitement for family adventures may have turned into reluctant participation, but beneath it all, I cross my fingers that there's a shred of connection. Much like our family, our FFFs are messy and rarely go as planned. But in the midst of eye rolls and snarky laughs, I can still catch glimpses of my kids when they were little and also see the people they're developing into. I'm learning that parenting teenagers isn't about recreating the magic of their younger years. Right now it's about meeting them where they are, attitudes and all. I want them to know that I am here, steady and solid, regardless of how rocky the outside world might be… and that I will still make them hang out with me and each other even when they’d rather do anything else.
I wrote this piece because, to me, there is nothing lonelier than having your kids transform from family adventure enthusiasts to kids who rather do anything but go on a family adventure. Many of you have followed along with our family adventures when the kids were small on my IG page @theworkspaceforchildren, and I know that like mine, your children are growing up and away. Many of you reach out to me for teen parenting advice, and I can’t give it to you. My expertise is in early childhood, and I have no formal training with this age group. One thing I can offer is solidarity. If I can help you feel less alone in this stage of parenting, I will.
If you need some motivation to kick off your own FFF, here are three research-backed reasons to motivate you:
Better mental health: Research shows teens who spend more time with family have lower rates of depression and anxiety. A 2018 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that family time provides crucial emotional support during the rocky teen years.
Stronger relationships: Family time improves communication between parents and teens. A 2019 study in the Journal of Adolescence found that families who do things together regularly have better overall functioning and more open communication. This leads to more trust, teens being more likely to ask for advice and better ways to handle conflicts.
Building social and emotional skills: Hanging out as a family helps teens develop important social and emotional abilities. A 2017 study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence showed that teens who spend quality time with family are better at understanding emotions, resolving conflicts, and showing empathy. These skills help in all areas of life - from friendships to future jobs.
If you are looking for solid advice on raising your teens and growing alongside them, my go-to resource is clinical psychologist and author Dr.Lisa Damour. I have devoured all of her books, her podcast, and her IG. She is my saving grace. A friend and I were recently gushing over how soothing her voice is, and when we are in the thick of it, re-listening to parts of her audiobooks can feel so calming.
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If you want to create a home that is filled with play and creativity, the key is to let your child know how much you value the time and effort they spent playing.