The 'Manipulative' Child Myth: What Your Child is Really Telling You

I was in the supermarket with my daughters, trying to get our weekly shopping finished. I had my toddler in a carrier on my back, and my preschooler—who I had initially put in the seat of the cart—had now weaseled her way out and was walking, somewhat successfully, alongside me. It was 4:30 PM, and I was trying to get through the market before they lost it and the after-work crowd arrived.

She'd been fine helping me shop until we got to check out—then she completely lost it. As I loaded groceries onto the belt, she started eyeing the candy bars lined up at her eye level. "I want a bar!" she demanded, and when I said no, she threw herself on the floor and launched into the most manipulative fake cry I'd ever witnessed.

I tried to discreetly calm her, but the baby carrier made that pretty tricky. As I bent down, she started kicking the candy section, and bars started falling off the shelf. I was mortified. Other shoppers were staring, and I knew exactly what they were thinking—that I had no control over my child.

"Stop that right now," I whispered furiously. "You're embarrassing us both! You know we don't buy that, and acting like a baby isn't going to change my mind."

Of course, this just made her dig in harder. Girl was committed, and all of my "parenting and teacher expertise" went out the window.

I stood back up and hurriedly finished unloading the groceries while a line formed behind me. She even did that thing where she kept peeking through her fingers to see if I was watching. It felt like classic manipulation, and I wasn't falling for it.

My toddler was starting to get antsy, her rice cracker now wet and glue-like, smeared in my hair. "I want a bar!" my preschooler continued to scream as I scooped her up and half-dragged, half-carried her out of the store with a grocery cart and baby in tow. She went limp, and I deposited her into the front of the cart, which the clerk had thankfully left empty. And just as quickly and spontaneously as the tantrum started... it stopped. The girls started making faces at each other and giggling as I dragged my sweaty, mortified self, the cart, and the kids to the car.

When I reflect on that day, and many others like it (like the time she launched her shoe across the Target parking lot), I think about how quickly we jump to labeling kids as manipulative. It's easy as a parent to default to thinking they're "giving us a hard time" rather than "having a hard time." This shift in perspective is crucial, though it can be hard to maintain in the thick of things.

The good news is that you can always return to your child, apologize, and show them that you're trying to reframe.

"Gracie, this afternoon at the store was hard for both of us. You really wanted that bar, and I said no. You were screaming and crying, and I got angry. I felt embarrassed, and I didn't like how I talked to you. It's hard to be a mom, and I am still learning. I know it's hard to be four sometimes. It's hard when grown-ups say no when you want them to say yes. It's especially hard when you're tired and hungry. Next time, you can tell me, 'I AM SO ANGRY! I WANT THAT AND YOU WON'T GIVE IT TO ME!' You try to do that, and I will try not to get so angry and call you a baby."

Our kids aren't manipulating us. They aren't trying to cause a scene or embarrass us. They want what they want, and they're still learning how to be in the world. The moment we stop seeing our children as manipulators and start seeing them as developing humans struggling with big feelings, everything changes.

Understanding the Unmet Needs Behind "Manipulative" Behaviors

When children appear manipulative, they're actually using the limited tools at their disposal to meet legitimate needs. Understanding this developmental reality can transform how we respond to challenging behaviors across different ages:

Babies (0-12 months)

If your baby is crying the moment you sit down to eat or put them down after hours of holding them, they’re not manipulating you. Babies have no concept of manipulation—they're completely dependent on caregivers and communicate the only way they know how. Babies need security, comfort, and connection, and crying is how they tell you that.

How you might respond if it feels like manipulation: “OMG! Can’t you just let me eat in peace?”

How you might respond differently when you understand that they have an unmet need: "You wish you were closer to me right now. I hear you crying. I will pick you up just as soon as I can.” 

Toddlers (1-3 years)

Your toddler is throwing food then watching for your reaction, having a meltdown only in public spaces, or becoming helpless during transitions they've mastered… feels like manipulation, right? Toddlers are experimenting with cause and effect and testing the boundaries of their growing independence.

They need autonomy, predictability, and emotional regulation support. 

How you might respond if it feels like manipulation: “Stop that!! Bad boy. I am not going to clean up after you like this.”

How you might respond differently when you understand that they have an unmet need: “You were wondering what would happen if you kept throwing your food, weren’t you? When you throw food, I will take it away and give it back later when you are hungrier.” 

OR

“Stop carrying on like that. You didn’t even want the red ball anyway.”

“Sometimes when children cry for something, the adult gives it to them. Right now, it is Sam’s turn with the red ball. It’s okay to cry, but it will still be Sam’s turn.”

Calm, firm and limited choices, along with naming emotions can help toddlers feel more secure and in control.

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

If your preschooler is bargaining endlessly or playing parents against each other, it can be easy to feel manipulated! But here’s the thing, your preshooler is working to understand social rules, and develop problem-solving skills. They are just becoming aware of others' perspectives and they lack sophisticated negotiation skills.  

How to respond: "You really want to solve this problem and get what you need. Let's think about it together." Or, “You really wanted to be in charge of the game, and today, Ella was the leader. That was hard for you. I won’t let you push Ella, but I can help you ask her for a role in the game.” 

Validating their desires, alongside clear and firm boundaries, helps preschoolers learn appropriate ways to meet their needs.

Our kids aren't manipulating us. They aren't trying to cause a scene or embarrass us. They want what they want, and they're still learning how to be in the world. The moment we stop seeing our children as manipulators and start seeing them as developing humans struggling with big feelings, everything changes.

That small shift in perspective can have a massive impact on your child's behavior and your relationship with them, so let’s break down a few scenarios where it may play out. 

When a child grabs:

• Instead of: "That's not nice, don't grab! Don't be greedy."

• Reframe: "Were you worried there wouldn't be enough for you? You don't have to grab; I will always make sure there's enough snack for everyone in our family."

When a child "fake" cries:

• Instead of: "You're not really crying, stop whining. Don't act like a baby."

• Reframe: "It sounds like you really wanted that. You must be disappointed. I'm listening if you want to tell me more about it."

When a child talks or acts like a baby:

• Instead of: "You're not a baby anymore, knock it off!"

• Reframe: "Are you remembering how good it feels to be taken care of? I remember how I used to hold you and rock you in my arms. Come sit in my lap for a bit, and we can pretend you're still little together."

Don't we have to teach them to be polite? No one likes a manipulator…

Children learn best when they feel connected and reassured.  They learn more about communicating their needs when we help them by giving them the words they don't have and by modeling appropriate behaviors.

When your child whines and baby talks to get what they need, try smiling and modeling the appropriate way of asking instead of chastising them. And then move on.  Approaching them with empathy instead of harsh correction encourages them to express emotions more openly and honestly in the future. It will take practice, but it will move them away from fake crying and toward expressing how they feel.

This approach isn't about permissiveness—it's about helping children understand and manage their feelings. Your job as a parent or caregiver is to set clear limits and expectations, and when you do so with empathy and understanding, everyone wins.

So when you catch yourself thinking your child is being manipulative, try asking: "What might they be needing right now that they don't have the skills to ask for directly?" This simple question can transform frustration into connection and help both of you navigate challenging moments with more compassion.

Remember that children don't wake up thinking, "How can I manipulate my parents today?" Their brains are still developing the capacity for complex planning and emotional regulation. The more we can meet their underlying needs—even while holding boundaries—the less they'll resort to behaviors we perceive as manipulative.