The 'Manipulative' Child Myth: What Your Preschooler is Really Telling You

I was in the supermarket with my daughters, trying to get our weekly shopping finished. I had my toddler in a carrier on my back, and my preschooler—who I had initially put in the seat of the cart—had now weaseled her way out and was walking, somewhat successfully, alongside me. It was 4:30 PM, and I was trying to get through the market before they lost it and the after-work crowd arrived.

She'd been fine helping me shop until we got to check out—then she completely lost it. As I loaded groceries onto the belt, she started eyeing the candy bars lined up at her eye level. "I want a bar!" she demanded, and when I said no, she threw herself on the floor and launched into the most manipulative fake cry I'd ever witnessed.

I tried to discreetly calm her, but the baby carrier made that pretty tricky. As I bent down, she started kicking the candy section, and bars started falling off the shelf. I was mortified. Other shoppers were staring, and I knew exactly what they were thinking—that I had no control over my child.

"Stop that right now," I whispered furiously. "You're embarrassing us both! You know we don't buy that, and acting like a baby isn't going to change my mind."

Of course, this just made her dig in harder. Girl was committed, and all of my "parenting and teacher expertise" went out the window.

I stood back up and hurriedly finished unloading the groceries while a line formed behind me. She even did that thing where she kept peeking through her fingers to see if I was watching. It felt like classic manipulation, and I wasn't falling for it.

My toddler was starting to get antsy, her rice cracker now wet and glue-like, smeared in my hair. "I want a bar!" my preschooler continued to scream as I scooped her up and half-dragged, half-carried her out of the store with a grocery cart and baby in tow. She went limp, and I deposited her into the front of the cart, which the clerk had thankfully left empty. And just as quickly and spontaneously as the tantrum started... it stopped. The girls started mak

ing faces at each other and giggling as I dragged my sweaty, mortified self, the cart, and the kids to the car.

When I reflect on that day, and many others like it (like the time she launched her shoe across the Target parking lot), I think about how quickly we jump to labeling kids as manipulative. It's easy as a parent to default to thinking they're "giving us a hard time" rather than "having a hard time." This shift in perspective is crucial, though it can be hard to maintain in the thick of things.

The good news is that you can always return to your child, apologize, and show them that you're trying to reframe.

"Gracie, this afternoon at the store was hard for both of us. You really wanted that bar, and I said no. You were screaming and crying, and I got angry. I felt embarrassed, and I didn't like how I talked to you. It's hard to be a mom, and I am still learning. I know it's hard to be four sometimes. It's hard when grown-ups say no when you want them to say yes. It's especially hard when you're tired and hungry. Next time, you can tell me, 'I AM SO ANGRY! I WANT THAT AND YOU WON'T GIVE IT TO ME!' You try to do that, and I will try not to get so angry and call you a baby."

Our kids aren't manipulating us. They aren't trying to cause a scene or embarrass us. They want what they want, and they're still learning how to be in the world. The moment we stop seeing our children as manipulators and start seeing them as developing humans struggling with big feelings, everything changes.

Flash back to 2001.

I was sitting around a small table in a stuffy classroom on NYC's Upper West Side, earning my Master of Science in Education. My peers and I were discussing our student-teaching experiences when someone said, "I have a child in my class who is just so manipulative..." I'll never forget our advisor's response: "Young children are not manipulators. Children who present that way are asking us, the adults, to help them with an unmet need." I was floored. I was forever changed.

From that moment on, I've always tried to view children through this lens, but if you are a parent, you know your actions don’t always match your beliefs or intentions. 

That small shift in perspective can have a massive impact on your child's behavior and your relationship with them, so let’s break down a few scenarios where it may play out. 

When a child grabs:

• Instead of: "That's not nice, don't grab! Don't be greedy."

• Reframe: "Were you worried there wouldn't be enough for you? You don't have to grab; I will always make sure there's enough snack for everyone in our family."

When a child "fake" cries:

• Instead of: "You're not really crying, stop whining. Don't act like a baby."

• Reframe: "It sounds like you really wanted that. You must be disappointed. I'm listening if you want to tell me more about it."

When a child talks or acts like a baby:

• Instead of: "You're not a baby anymore, knock it off!"

• Reframe: "Are you remembering how good it feels to be taken care of? I remember how I used to hold you and rock you in my arms. Come sit in my lap for a bit, and we can pretend you're still little together."

Don't we have to teach them to be polite? Yes and no... hear me out.

Children learn best when they feel connected and reassured. They can use their mind and energy for learning, growing, and playing instead of fighting for what they need. They learn more about communicating their needs when we help them by giving them the words they don't have and by modeling appropriate behaviors.

For example, when your child "fake" cries, approaching them with empathy instead of correcting them shows them that their feelings are valid and important to you. This encourages them to express emotions more openly and honestly in the future. It will take practice, but it will move them away from fake crying and toward expressing how they feel.

Looking back at the supermarket example, I probably could have saved face by saying, "You really want one of those bars. They look so delicious, and you're hungry! I'm not going to buy one, but when we get to the car, would you like to choose something from our groceries to snack on? Give me some clues about what you might pick, and I'll try to guess."

This approach isn't about permissiveness—it's about helping children understand and manage their feelings. Your job as a parent or caregiver is to set clear limits and expectations, and when you do so with empathy and understanding, everyone wins.

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