3 Ways to Help Your Child Cope With Frustration
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Imagine this scenario: You are in the kitchen making a snack, the baby is upstairs napping and your preschooler is building an epic magnetic tile castle for his Paw Patrol pups. You take a sip of your coffee while it is actually still hot (whaaaaa?) and then you hear the CRASH….
Prepare for meltdown. There will be tears, there will be yelling and there might even be toys thrown. Your little one is in full on melt-down mode. They are SO frustrated. That castle they just crafted was awesome… and now it is in a heap on the floor.
*please, please, please don’t let them wake their sister with this*
You timidly approach and say, “Hey, buddy, it’s okay. Not a big deal, right? We can just build it again.” But it is a big deal to them. They are having HUGE feelings. Nothing you say is helping. In fact, you might be making it worse.
These huge emotions around frustration are normal and important. After many years in the classroom and also in my own playroom, I’ve been in this situation about a zillion times. I completely understand that feeling of dread when you know a meltdown is coming. I want to help you see these emotional outbursts as a NORMAL, MANAGEABLE occurrance. Your child is communicating. That’s a good thing.
Here is how to open the conversation rather than make things worse for the both of you.
You child wants to know that you truly understand what happened and how big it feels to them.
Remember that these scripts are just examples and in real life this looks and feels messier and takes longer. Don’t rush your child through the process, though you might be tempted. Follow their lead and keep remember that the more you practice, the easier this will become.
We want our children to internalize these experiences so that in the future, they can do this for themselves.
“I’m Stupid! I can’t do this!”
Does your child struggle when things become difficult for them? Maybe your kid occasionally struggles with homework when they can’t figure out the right answer to a math question. Or, maybe your toddler gets frustrated when they are building a tower out of blocks and it keeps falling, or when they are coloring and are having trouble staying in the lines…
Whatever the scenario, it's intense and painful to hear your child say these things about themselves. As a parent, it’s only human nature to want to immediately correct them and protect them from these feelings of self-doubt, but this can actually do more harm than good.
Before you swoop in to whisk those thoughts and words far far away...
Pause. Breathe.
Your child is frustrated. Something is hard for them and feels impossible for them to solve.
In this moment, you have two choices:
You can open the conversation, or
You can shut it down.
Here’s why choosing to open the conversation is the best option.
Connection vs. Correction
I know it can often feel like correction would be the best way to go when your child is having negative thoughts about themself. Wanting to tell them that they are not stupid and that they can do it is a normal response.
Correction in these situations though shuts the conversation down and leaves your child alone in their struggle, not sure how to navigate these feelings and the negative self-talk that they are experiencing. Correcting them will only teach them that they will always feel this way when placed in these situations.
Instead, strive to meet your child where they are in this moment of frustration and connect with them. Connection and understanding will help you to open up the conversation with your child, allowing for further inquiry about why they are feeling this way, and also allow for further support from you as the parent. Connection also encourages your child to believe in GROWTH. That there are other ways of doing things and that they can always become better.
Think of how you want to be encouraged when you are down on yourself… is it more helpful to you when someone says, “Why are you upset? You can do it.”, or, is it more encouraging when they say, “This seems like a hard thing. How can I help you accomplish this?”
Want another idea of how to support your child when they are struggling? Check out this blog post.
How to Respond When Your Child is Struggling
I know it can be difficult to come up with the “right” words to say to your child when they are upset, especially when your child is having negative self-talk. Next time your child is struggling, remember CONNECTION. This can sound something like:
When your child says: “This is too hard”...
Instead of: “No, it’s not. You can do it.”
Try: “Does it feel like you should already know how to do it?”
When your child says: “I’m stupid”...
Instead of: “No, you’re not! Don’t say that!”
Try: “It must feel like you’ll never get it right.”
When your child says: “I don’t know how”...
Instead of: “But I saw you do it yesterday!”
Try: “Sounds frustrating. Can I help you think it through?”
Sometimes we can't do this in the moment and that's okay too. You have other kids and things you are doing and it's okay to say, I see how frustrated you are and that's okay. When I'm done doing xyz, I can help you sort it out.
If they are being unsafe or destructive, I'd stop what I'm doing and tell them that I need to keep them safe and do whatever needs to be done to follow through.
Most importantly: don't let their meltdown become YOUR meltdown
PRO TIP:
Talk about frustrating feelings out loud throughout the day.
Use small , everyday frustrations as opportunities to teach and learn
I hope this post helps you to support your chid in coping with frustration.
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If you are looking for a resource of UNCOMPLICATED play prompts, THE PLAY PLAN might be for you.
